There are so many things that I wish I could have known about. But the three things I have written about were the main ones. After all the sleep deprivation, the grieving, the loss of self, etc. I can honestly say, it's been worth every single bit. I want you to know that before I go into my biggest issue was with our adoption.
As most of you know, Naia and Xavier are our bio kids. I had easy pregnancies, easy deliveries, easy babies. They both slept well, I had tons of help from family, friends, etc. I had that help this time as well, it just couldn't be in the same capacity as before. I tell people all the time, that yes adoption is a neat thing, but it's definitely different than birthing a child and having that child with you from conception. After all the hard things that we went through with Paxton, I thought things were going okay. I knew that I was feeling better, but I was also so overwhelmed. We were getting sleep, we were attached, but my mind and body just weren't in sync. I didn't even notice any early warning signs. Post Adoption Depression, just hit me like a brick wall. One day I realized that I had been weepy, irritable, and just not myself for quite some time. Apparently, people around me had noticed, but just didn't say anything. They just assumed that I was struggling caring for three kids, which wasn't it at all. My mind and heart had prepared for this baby. We HAD a baby, but my body didn't and my emotions and hormones didn't go through that process of birthing a baby and the bonding that you get with a newborn. We went through the bonding with a teething near toddler. I found myself, not wanting to get out, not wanting to leave Paxton, and having near panic attacks when I would have to leave him. I didn't want to leave the house, I cried at everything. I'm sure that on more than one occassion Brent thought that something was very seriously wrong. I really struggled finding myself again. Of seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I got mad at people that I cared about. At the time I was also having some medical issues that scared me to death. I talked to my doctor about it and couldn't even make it through the appointment without a complete meltdown. I had these meltdowns all the time for about 3 months. I literally couldn't have any kind of confrontation without a breakdown. My doctor immediately got me on a viatamin and made sure the change my birth control pills, b/c she knew from just the one conversation that things were not right. During those months, I was no myself and I knew that, I just couldn't change it. I couldn't change the fact that I didn't want anything to do with my friends or kids or husband. I just wanted to stay in bed forever.
I'm so thankful that the Lord brought me through this. It was something that I had never experienced before. I had two kids already, a third wouldnt' be that much different would it?! Three kids are definitely different, but it's also much easier this time around! My big kids are able to help entertain Paxton and they watch over him like a hawk! Talking about my problems with my closest friends helped and letting my family know that I needed help helped me as well. The books that we have to read and the classes we have to attend in order to adopt a child covered this topic. They covered, baby blues and Post Adoption Depression, but I don't think they let you know how real those things can be. That even if you've had kids before and not had any problems, that things will be different this time. Circumstances will be different. Adoption is so different than anything I've ever experienced. Loving a child from a photo, praying for a child and his first mother before you even know about the child or their situation. It's all so different.
I guess you could call this part 4! I want to end this on a positive note. I want to go into all the things that no one told me about that are the best things that God could have given us!
We started praying for Paxton's first mother and him from the beginning. In June of last year I could honestly say, I knew my child had been born. I could feel it in my bones. I just knew. From the second we got that phone call and said yes, we loved JeongSol from a photo! It's hard to believe that you can fall so hard in love with someone just from a picture. We knew immediately that he was our son! I'll never forget the way his foster mother put him into my arms the first time and I just started crying that my son was finally in my arms. I'll never forget the way that he smelled that day. Every once in a while, I'll smell that scent on him and I just remember loving him so completely before I even knew him. He's sitting here in front of me this morning playing on his riding toy eating goldfish crackers and my heart melts, b/c he is mine. He is my son.